HOW I DE ESCALATE – #6

What better way to explain how I manage to still (barely) function as a human being and go out in public, than to actually document it, while experiencing it!

This is a perfect opportunity! I’m heading out in less than 2 hrs, to stand out doors, unprotected from the elements or passerbys, vulnerable and scared sh*tless. to show my displeasure about an environmental issue our Town Council is voting on tonite. My conscience and heart demand I stand SOMEWHERE with my little sign, and the fact the meeting is online means there’s even LESS chance the powers that be, will even see my protest.

I’ll do it tho, and at great personal emotional cost. I have an anxiety disorder, and PTSD that cripple me at times, which usually forces me to stay inside. Most people in my world think it’s Covid related. It’s so much more than that – Covid has only added another grimy layer over everything I already have laid to waste, in my poor damaged experiences.

I actually articulated it to my Therapist today, and to a friend as well. My friend’s response was ‘that’s a terrible thing to live with’…..what validation and power those words hold for me!

Any time I have to venture outside, my brain immediately puts me at risk of a driveby shooting by my Ex…..extreme perhaps (not based on his past behavior), illogical maybe (again, not based on his past behavior), but REAL in my mind. EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY APARTMENT. It’s the base of ALL my fear, and all other fears just layer on top of that. I have to break it down, every single time I go out.

It’s where my head goes immediately – and then I have to back it off… roll it back, to where I can calmly recognize I’m being irrational. That sometimes takes longer than other times, and many times I’m left with mere minutes before I have to ‘go on stage’.

Now only 60 minutes….what am I doing to get BRAVE to do this, and not bail?

IN NO SPECIFIC ORDER OR IMPORTANCE: TIPS TO DE ESCALATE:

• Music – empowering women (Tracy Chapman) is playing in the office
• YouTube fireplace is playing in the living room – I can hear it
• Madame Kiki is within petting distance – keeping me safe
• I’m finally in my office – writing – doing what I dreamed of doing!
• Frequent walks thru the apt – looking thru windows – repeating affirmations
• the Balcony buffets ALWAYS need filling up! Quietens the Jays too!
• Distractions work so well….one of the reasons I need to write!
• Potions and Lotions – whatever works! Pile it ALL ON! Use every tool in the box!
• Tea – never alcohol (for me) and certainly ‘engage’ all my cbd+ and other naturopathic supplements that I KNOW help. What have I missed taking? I do an inventory and more often than not, I’ve neglected a pill or something, and it demonstrates itself in my panic.
• Make plans for dinner…..it’s my happy go to place. Even if only for me, I try to be extra kind to myself, thru food, entertainment, and crochet!

This could carry on …but I literally do have to shut down the electronic stuff around me, and just focus on the event to occur. Putting every ounce of bravery into my being – so that I can do what my heart tells me I need to do.

It’s only a small list of what I’ve learned to do, to slow myself down to a dull roar, and deal with the situation as a 67 yr old reasonable woman.

It works, most of the time! Wish me luck! I’ll update you on #7!!!