Seeking Solace – #11

I woke up this morning with Kiki laying ON my chest; I was fully into a nitemare, and this is how she supports me – eventually picking at my hair with her claws, til I wake up. Then, she shifts position, and stays with me til I’ve calmed down. Sweet puss…..she truly is my therapy animal.

Once awake, I could see it was going to be a flarey type of day. The weather can be a bitch, and coupled with trauma dates circling around me, I can tell it’s going to be a rough day.

I’m out of seeds for the birds…..so I’ll push myself to go to the store for their benefit; otherwise I’d be locked into my recliner, not moving much.

Its Bob’s death anniversary tomorrow, and it’s going to be a hard one. Some years are easier than others, and I don’t know yet what that trck is, to lighten the load.

I did lots of memorial stuff for him last year (being 25yrs), splashed a bunch of $$ around on donations I thought he’d love. Wrote notes to people, sharing memories of him…..this year, I want to crawl into my bed and just weep for all I’ve lost, when he left us.

A pity party is an ugly place to live, but sometimes you do need to sit and rest a while in that pain filled space. That’s where I am today – soaking in all the feels, and letting them prick me, til I bleed tears. Wallow days are what I named these days when I first encountered them. I gave myself permission to have these days after my first year of widowhood. In those early years, I also needed the safe boundary of only 3 day long wallows, otherwise I would have been secluded for weeks.

These days tho, I’m finding I need those days more frequently; the therapy work I’m doing is hard, painful and my inner child feels like she’s being poked and kicked relentlessly.

I still have unresolved grief over Bob’s passing (ofc ourse theres still tons to work thru!)….and the memories of every hour of his final days are what fill my mind now.

I cant shut it down entirely – its like background noise…every once in a while it cuts thru all the distractions you’ve been throwing at it- and bites into your chest, and chews up your heart. Takes your breath away, from the power of the pain.

And…then it’s gone again….til the next flash of memory disturbs it and it breathes flames again. Just like a dragon!

I’m learning too, that these days are perfect for the Fibro to zoom in and take full advantage of my ‘weakened’ state. It slides in like a snake, poking and stabbing all my sore spots, til eventually my body feels like a battleground.

It’s hard to find the blessings, on days like this. I know there are many and I search for those visual clues that surround me, knowing that something will shift me from the wallow to a place of gratitude, and eventually abundance.

its f*kking hard work, and I want so badly, to get thru all the trauma therapy and move on to a healed life. But boy, days like today – it’s even harder, and I’m not entirely sure I won’t have to eventually just go to bed, and sleep thru some of the hours. A cop out, but necessary in my fibro world, to lessen and cope with the pain.

I deliberately booked an ‘event’ for myself and a friend for tomorrow (as a distraction), but now feel it’s even at risk – it’s a great opportunith to test out the new game – ‘divert the flare’! I’m already running thru the cancellation scenarios, and they’re all unacceptable, so I’ll do my best work tomorrow to get thru the event – (making an epoxy charcuterie board); but for today, I’ll wallow.