The sun is shining and its gorgeous out….that alone is a travesty. It should be dark and dismal out, with rain slashing at the windows. I seem to remember the day itself being overcast and cold; and being made spectacular with a rainbow just after he died. That’s why they’re so meaningful to Bri and I…. we look at them as messages from Bob….like other folks look for dimes or feathers.
Other than my Gram, he was the only person in my life that I felt safe with. He healed me in many ways, with his love and care; his gift to me of Brianne is made more precious every day, as I see her grow into a woman he would be so proud to know.
My fingers are picked raw; bleeding and sore, they’re always the first sign of my mental health not being good. I did have a short span of time a few months ago when they were long and painted, and brought me a spark of joy, especially as I crochet. Once my therapy began, they’ve been picked raw, as I remember past childhood traumas, and work thru them in a safe, non-threatening space. Maybe it’s the same type of thing as why people cut themselves? That sense of pain when those bleeding fingers are touched, brings me to where it overrides my mind, and cuts off the pain from the memories. Not healthy behavior, but I don’t have the ability to stop, and my heart goes out to others that suffer that same pain.
I am in a place of self sabotage, and I can recognize it, but can’t climb out. I’m not taking all my meds, and the little cups I dish them out into each morning, sit filled with the leftovers, when i go to bed at nite. Sometimes I take them all at once at bedtime, trying to keep up, but more often, I ignore them. Most are supplements (I’m good about taking the thyroid one), but the one for depression and anxiety, is most often ignored. I HATE taking it; have had a terrible experience trying to get off it (thx to my a$$hat GP), so I know it’s like playing Russian roulette when i miss taking it. So why do i do that?
That’s the million $$$ question, ,and the reason I’m in therapy. Apparently it all ties back somehow to the lack of love and care from my mother, which I’m working thru. I am soooo f*kked up.
I signed up many months ago for an epoxy workshop making a charcuterie board, thinking it would be a great diversion for today. Here I am tho, locked in my chair, not wanting to leave my apt. I’m doing all the ‘self care’ things I can, to get myself enouraged to get dressed and get in that car, to drive to Kingston. I’ve had my shower (one of my most painful and challenging tasks), so I’m partway there. The workshop was expensive, so I’m damned and determined not to cancel.
I know I have an abundance of blessings in my life, but days like today make it so hard to find them. It’s one of the reasons I want my next planned tattoo to be done soon…..one I’ve asked Bri to design for me, and will have done b4 going to PEI… a bracelet with the single word ‘blessings’.
When my head is engulfed by brain fog, and my ‘learned’ response is fight or flight…..my tattoos are my visual reminders to focus, breathe, and be brave. I CAN do this. Just not so well, today.
Good news! I’m powdered, dressed, and having an extra (little) pot of coffee as a treat. Tea now is tasteless, since I’ve welcomed back coffee into my world. There you go…..another blessing!
I’ve had the doves, a starling and a few jays visiting the balcony so far today. Chippie loves the seeds that collect on top of the garbage bag covering some of my pots; I hear him, and do spot his little head, when he comes up for air. He can be ferocious with the peanuts, and clears them within minutes. No sign of Buffy yet – it’s still early tho.
This post has shown me the value of having a safe dumping ground for the crap that rolls around making such a racket in my head. Getting it down on ‘paper’, allows the REM space for my poor addled brain to work out the next thing that rolls on in, to disrupt my life. It also makes me accountable to myself – admitting to my acknowledged failings.
Will post pix of the charcuterie board, and hopefully a brighter outlook,later on!
