Three years and a decade ago, I chose to ignore all my instincts, disregarded all red flags I’d been presented, and blithely made the biggest error in my life.
With the purchase of a century farmhouse with 80 acres already in our joint names, I did have much hope, and prayed for the life we both claimed we wanted.
All the dreams, plus the house, the cats, and even my Bailey, couldnt make things right.
The violent destruction of the marriage also was in July; bloody hell, the ENTIRE month is fraught with landmine dates: his birthday, the wedding, the horrific nite with police and broken glass and a ranting lunatic being led out in handcuffs, screaming about me to our neighbours.
The following months were equally as bad, with numerous court dates, trying to meet business targets, all the while hiding the ugly truth from the world. Protecting HIS name and reputation, hoping to get back to….what?
I had no idea in those days, and I moved thru a cloud of fear, distrust and instinct. Looking back now, I can see how God had his hand on me protecting and guiding me. But at that time, I couldn’t see Him, or feel Him in my world at all.
From my current ‘perspective’, I’m trying to heal those ugly gashes in my soul, that keep bleeding throughout July, and overwrite some of those memories.
My first protective step is to get the hell out of Napanee for the month (or 2). Giving my body and mind the physical space they need to feel safe, has been the greatest gift of survival. Having a full 63 days without checking for a white van on my street, or scanning the grocery store parking lot for his vehicle. Being EVER vigilant and ready to protect myself at any cost.
It is exhausting, but I refuse to give up anything more to him. I walked away from EVERYTHING I had worked for, dreamed of, and believed in…to gain my safety and freedom. Bankruptcy (and its companion shame) have followed me for the past 6 yrs, and I have changed pretty much everything in my world, to contort and fit into a safe place, where i can be content, and live a quiet and peaceful life.
God found me on this little beach in PEI 3 yrs ago, and He has walked with me through a sh*tshow of health horrors ever since. He has given me the strength to self advocate for my healthcare, enough funds to live frugally (except in PEI , where I do live like a queen!) and good friends and family members that truly have become my tribe.
Yesterday I was in tears for most of the day, feeling very sorry for myself; ruminating over the activities that had gone on 13 yrs ago. God yet again spoke to me, nudging me to look for another perspective – find a different angle to view these days thru, and find some light in these painful memories.
And I did just that! Remembered the great feast we put on the night before the wedding. The 4 sweet little girls I had as my flower girls, receiving their cream eyelet dresses and teal sashes.
The fact my parents behaved themselves and didnt cause any drama (hadn’t seen each other in 24 yrs!) was a huge win…..and we had the best fried chicken ever!
Today more memories will flood into my mind, and with God’s help and guidance, I’ll manoever through and find some bright moments to remember with a smile, and even some delight. There WERE many moments of fun and even joy….I just have to look for those, thru all the rubble from the disaster.
Thanks be to God, and I’m so grateful to be in His hands.
