I follow the rules….ALL the time. It’s a curse at times, because my conscience won’t let me let myself off the hook – even for tiny little sways from the ‘right thing to do’. And I hate it when others’ break them, putting people like me, at risk.
My damaged immune system, when it meets with the pandemic world outside, doesn’t fare well – and most of my excursions out in public (even 2 yrs in) often see me in a full on panic attack, in public, full of shame and embarrassment for losing my sh*t.
So, I rarely venture out, only on good weather days, and when I feel particularly brave, or need something from a store and don’t have a delivery option. It doesn’t happen often, and those trips that bring me home safely, with all tasks completed, and without heightened anxiety??? Those days are gold, for me.
I’m frustrated and angry then, when the general population doesn’t adhere to those same rules, and when asked POLITELY to provide me the 6′ distance STILL mandated by the Government, those people argue, defend their literal position, and smirk at the meltdown they are helping create.
I am better than I was at Election Day, when I was publicly humiliated by a paid Elections staff member. I am better than the day I was in Dollarama, during HEIGHTENED FULL MANDATE rules, and the a$$hat ahead of me defended his right to NOT be masked. And I try really hard to not public-shame them on fb – I still fall short occasionally on that action.
Yesterday, at my favorite butcher shop, I had to yet defend and fight for my safe space in the store, because of the ignorance of customers. The staff themselves were lovely, and did all they could to de-escalate me. Once the anxiety rises to a certain level tho, and I’m forced to ‘fight or flight’….its a done deal. I’m gone. Over the top, crying, desperate to find the door to escape.
What are MY rights? I realize mandates are lowered….economics rule over people’s health….that’s been made clear (at least in my mind). So, I do the only thing I CAN do, and that’s to protect myself when exposed to the outside world.
Why do I have to argue, defend, and become a crying, belligerent person….to obtain the safe space around me, to do my shopping? Then, feeling the need to offer embarrassed apologies to EVERYONE in the store…and overly thanking the a$$hats that pushed me to this state.
I did reach out and apologize via PM to the store owner, who also was wonderful, and actually apologized to me, for the incident. I assured him it was NOT the staff, but the customers; he took ownership tho, and offered me that apology – it meant the world to me.
Is it sexist to say the customers in question were all middle-aged – older men, either unmasked, or with their noses hanging over their mask, like their d*cks out of their shorts. My page, my profiling labels! lol.
So, here’s my first rant of the blog! One of the many issues I feel passionate about, and will use my voice (and blog) to do what I can, in my own tiny world, to fix or improve it for others like me. Coz there are LOTS of us out there!!!
