I woke up in a blind panic today, jerking from a horrible dream that’s still creating flashbacks as the morning wears on.
I thought I’d slept in and missed the garbage, as well as the pickup of peelings for the critters at Kamp Kiki.
Neither are serious enough to cause the wild panic I experienced, and am still trying to de-escalate from, 3 hrs later.
Having learned a TON of stuff throughout these past 3 years, and still learning daily, I have the tools I need to navigate through this trauma reaction. I just have to calm my mind enough to remember to use the tools!
The sunshine helped (now all clouded over – more fitting for Good Friday anyway), and I’ve taken back possession of the balcony! I’ve dismantled the dessert bar, and my guests are welcome to use the other buffet end, fully stocked, as usual!
I’ve had lots of squawking from the blue jays so far, and the mourning doves look very sad – but the sun felt glorious on my face, and we ALL need ta adjust to what Spring brings!!!!
For me – BALCONY LIFE! And cheers to my 1st blog entry written ON the balcony!
The other stressor hanging over my head today is the fact it’s my mother’s birthday. Marilyn’s. I’m being coached by my therapist to NOT refer to her as my mother; she has done little throughout my entire life to earn that title. My paternal grandmother Mae is the woman who deserves that title.
I have acknowledged the day by sending her a card in the snail mail, and even extended it to a short email sent this morning. As usual (as is my habit), going beyond my own comfort zone, to please and placate her. THIS is the work I need to do; AM doing with my therapist. Putting Marilyn in the right place in my world, while maintaining MY boundaries. No matter what.
If she doesn’t respect them, then that’s on her, and I’m not obligated by ANYTHING or ANYONE to do more.
I CAN do this work – its hard and ugly, and picks off many scabs that have closed over wounds that still seep with pain and trauma.
My job now, is to nurture and heal that little inner child…who vacillates from age 2 to 18; show her she is loved, she did nothing wrong to cause the chaos in her life, and her ugly history can be reframed and she can finally be healed.
The sun has returned! No balcony visitors yet, but my heart and brain are a bit lighter, just from writing these words. And the bells just chimed!!!!
I have lots of distractions today – doing the prep for my seder plate will keep me in the kitchen, and there’s 2 loads of laundry to do too. And I can finally organize my freezer! Two shelves freed from the scraps for the piggies!!! Woo hoo!!!!
Oh its glorious out here!
Thanks be to God…have a blessed day!
