I’ve just returned home from a triumphant visit to my past-life home (Ajax), about 400 kms round trip – something I used to do 8 times a month, for 9 years! Now, I had to spread it over 2 days, staying in a hotel overnight (no hardship); I’ve lost much of my self confidence in driving due to covid and self isolation, but most recently, the accident I barely managed to avoid, last Fall.
That accident had a paralyzing effect on me, and added the final kick that pushed me into a major depression.
I see it now in hindsight, and recognize I need to get back in the driver’s seat (literally!). Thats what this trip was mainly about; seeing long-time neighbours and a special birthday party were the catalysts that got me moving.
I planned well, and avoided every problem or stressor I could imagine. The weather co-operated, and even the a$$hats stayed off the roads that I travelled.
I got to hug my kid really really hard, and not nearly for long enough. I witnessed a beautiful moment when Bri asked her ‘2nd Dad’ to book her 1st dance at their wedding……that was extra special, and worth the trip, right there!
The hotel was great, I slept well, and arrived home safe and sound. Within 10 minutes home, the balcony buffet was filled, and Buffy herself was the first visitor! They’ve now all been here, even the starling who doesn’t appear very often. They seem to be happy to have me home too.
Why then, have I tipped forward into vat of hot messy pain – a sure sign a flare is about to erupt, and quickly.
It’s not a reaction or response I was expecting, and its thrown me full on into fight or flight (aka survival mode).
Over this past year (since my Fibro dx), I’ve built a large arsenal of weapons to try to help to divert, or at least minimize the flare effects. Some work sometimes, and none work always (other than my cbd)… so it’s hit and miss, whether I can out manoever and outlast the f*kker.
I have the luxury and privilege to have access to professional ‘experts’ (even on holidays 😁), and I did reach out to a couple of them, who did suggest adrenaline could be the culprit, and now that the job was done (home safe and sound) my body could now collapse (my words – not theirs!).
Testing the new knowledge about neuroplasticity and the ability to rewire or remap our brains, I’ve loaded up on ALL my armour, and am fighting to divert, divebomb and demolish the flare, before it gets hold!
Activating all senses asap – fave music, visuals all in place to calm me, my essential oils all applied, and hot water bottle in place. My best diversion is to write…..thus the need for this blog.😁
Kiki has spent a good while on my lap as I’m here writing, and I’ve even eaten dinner and its not quite 7pm!!!.
I’m so happy to have the turkey tomorrow … this pot of brown rice made last week NEVER seems to disappear! Tonite were the leftovers of the 2nd incarnation….. I’ll salvage the meatballs, but Cocoa and the critters will get the rest!
I have a couple of church services on YouTube to catch up on tonite, and a hot Epsom salt bath is a necessity…to leech out those crappy toxins from the adrenaline rush!!!!
Its my fave time of the day, when the softest edges of the sunbeams wash over my apt walls and settle on the table. It used to be my most dreaded time; signaling an end to my weekend with my Gram… back into the torment and horror I lived in at home with my dad and stepmother. Leaving safety and love, for who knew what? God did have his hands on me, and kept me alive throughout many years there. Looking back, I see ALL the times He was with me.
Now, I’ve learned to reclaim this time period. Re-mapped it, re-wired it, ‘curated’ it so that its now a moment that I look forward to so much that I have an alarm set to remind me to stop and enjoy it. Truth!
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Full disclosure – I had to finally shut down the writing, and do the bath thing to try to divert the flare. This post is being finished up the next morning!!
I haven’t been able to comfortably soak in a bath, in over a year, due to the pain of the water against my skin, so it was another experiment to see what would work.
I’m thrilled to say it was a great success, and I was able to stay in for 2 tubfills !!! I had a bathbomb from Lush that I’d been saving…..oh what bliss!
Now one of the things I’ve learned about Fibro is that it can change in a flash, so what works today, may not work next time. Sucks big time, but at least that tool now is back in the arsenal of weapons to use for future flares; and you learn to live in the moment, grateful to have found some temporary relief.
It’s now 10am next morning, and I feel confident to say I was successful in sidelining the flare! I’m moving around with a normal amount of pain, but nothing ‘flarey’ – even my right ear doesn’t hurt!!! (That’s always red flag #1 for me!)
One of my BEST wins this weekend is COFFEE!!!!!!!! I’ve missed it so much over these past years! I developed an aversion to it after my radiation treatments, and it’s been a sorely missed bevvie.
Altho I’d forgotten HOW to make coffee, and had to add water to cut its strength (😶😶😶), it’s been a delightful addition to my morning routine today!
I’ve got my own turkey dinner to cook today, and have a few folks around that I can share with. I’m being overzealous perhaps, but aware of all the folks I was in contact with this past weekend, I’m going to don mask and gloves to do the food prep, for my OWN peace of mind. I can not possibly see how I could be at risk since I was so cautious, but others have said the same thing, and fallen ill with Covid. I know MY anxiety! Mask and gloves it will be!
I can’t remember a more beautiful Easter weekend! The sun has been glorious every day, and the birdsong is amazing.
I’m off to cook a turkey! Cheers!
