Nothing like receiving a phone call on your PERSONAL cell phone, for your ex husband at the business you walked away from 8 yrs ago.
Just one more trigger to make another slash wound into my being. I’m already ‘on the floor’ in emotional pain with Bob’s anniversary, and physical pain from my epoxy experience, so this phone call was another hard kick to the gut for me.
Triggers are nasty things. You can’t prepare yourself for them; their very nature lies in their element of surprise, as they hit you from an unexpected, unprotected angle.
Your power against them lies in your response. To avoid a knee jerk reaction, while sifting thru all the ‘feels’ and memories that flood back, is an almost impossible task when you’re already in the pit.
This pity party is lasting longer than it should. Each time I think I’m ok, something kicks me upside the head, and down I tumble again.
Perhaps the fact I’m in therapy and many of these emotions are at surface level already, make it so easy for the triggers to target me and send me spiralling. I’m grateful to have my session with my Therapist today, and pray she can get me thru these days.
It doesn’t help that there’s been a lot of activity at the house 2 doors down from my apartment; I heard 2 years ago that my ex had a reno contract there, and have been anxious about it ever since. I thought I had my anxiety under control, and no longer was watching daily out the window, to see if the van was there to begin the install. I had spent much time planning out my reactions to this invasion of MY safe space, working out different scenarios, to try to divert the growing panic. Yesterday’s random phone call looking for my ex has plunged me back into that ugly murky water; anxiety bordering on panic is back – afraid to leave my apt., waiting for him to track me down and rattle my cage, again. Once an abuser…..always one (in my 67 years of history, anyway).
F*kking triggers – I feel like I’ve lost all the momentum I was building up, in getting to my goal of a healthy happy life. My dream of 2 carefree months in PEI, away from the threats I feel here in Napanee, is the only thing that’s carrying me along, at the moment. What an ugly season I seem to be buried in. I pray to God daily, sometimes hourly, to help me out of this nightmare that seems to go on and on.
