These past couple of weeks have found me struggling to remain positive, trying to avoid the negativity that dogs me, and stay in the light that I know helps me survive.
I’m 5 weeks post surgical, doing well physically (according to my surgeon), but these gloomy weather days are doing my head in. Perhaps it’s the ongoing challenge of trying to manage my self-care with limited nursing resources, coupled with having to depend on others for help for the basics of living – groceries, laundry, and housekeeping. It’s sure been humbling, and becomes hurtful when people you hope will step up, dont.
I keep thinking (hoping) that I can avoid the depression landmines if I do all the ‘right’ things. Take my meds, reduce my exposure to negative stuff (like the news), and keep myself distracted with all the tools I have available to me, like painting, crocheting or even writing. But, here I am, heading down the rabbit hole again.
The weather is a huge factor, and one I can’t control obviously. Since mid- March, I’ve shuttled between extreme pain from a dental issue, which then carried thru to my recent major surgery and now is just low-grade discomfort that’s broken my spirit.
Sprinkled thru all the physical crap is the recent news of ailing senior family members that are suffering their own challenges, the passing of a long time friend who I havent connected with in too long a time (cue shame and regret), and then the national sense of loss all Canadians feel with the passing of music icon Gordon Lightfoot.
My negative mindset then spirals outward to affect my relationship with others, resulting in discord, upset and creates cracks – hopefully repairable and not permanent.
I feel tapped out, and have lost the ability to do that ‘balance dance’ – honouring my inner child by being ‘authentic’ and speaking my truth; defending what my heart says, vs. just stepping back and letting things be, ignoring and setting aside my expectations and feelings of disappointment and abandonment.
I have much to be grateful for, even more so, with the recent wonderful patholgy reports from my surgery. I try to begin my days with gratitude and end my evenings with prayers. I live in a safe space that I truly love, and can squeak by financially (if I’m really careful), covering my expenses and even enjoy the occasional treat. Those blessings are huge, after coming from a life only a few years ago that had me living in a women’s shelter, declaring bankruptcy after walking away from my marriage, my dream home, my pets, most of my possessions and the business i invested in. Having a safe home and enough $ to buy good quality food is worth gold, after living that other existence for 7 years. Also gone are many relationships – some are ones I’ve closed the doors on for self preservation; others have shut doors on me. I’ve recognized I’m ‘too much’ for some people, which is a hard truth to face and accept.
So, I DO count my blessings. I’ve even got a tattoo to remind me to do so, and it reminds me daily! Yet, here I am wallowing in my self pity, dumping all this angst into a blog, hoping this purge of written words will help me. I’ll admit the honesty offsets and outweighs the shame and disappointment to a certain degree.
How do people find the way back from their darkness and get back to their light? Praying for some sunshine soon…that’ll be a good start.
Ironic (or maybe fitting) that it’s Mental Health week here in Canada …..perfect timing for my current frame of mind, and makes me want to be brave and admit all of this.
Not all my blog posts will be downers (I hope), but I did promise myself I’d be honest and authentic in my writing, and that seems to be the flavour of this week. Hopefully this malaise will be short lived, and upcoming posts will shine brightly.
Thanks for reading, if you’ve stuck with me this far. It means alot.
